Bailiff: All Rise, for here comes the Judge.
Judge: Be seated. We’re going to hear a couple of cases here today and I don’t want them to take too long, so let’s get busy. You there, in the funny hat, what’s your business with this court.
Dar-Al-Islam: We demand that Jerusalem be returned!
Judge: Based on what?
Judge: What’s the basis of your claim, why should I order it back to you?
DAI: Well, because it is ours!
Judge: No, if it was yours I wouldn’t need to give it back. Why do you think I should give it back?
DAI: It was taken from us!
Judge: Look son, I don’t mean to be rude but we’ve got a lot of work to do so if that’s all you’ve got.
DAI: It was wrongly taken from us! The Joos and the Crusaders and the Colonialists took it!
Judge: uh-huh. So taking is wrong?
DAI: Yes, it must be returned!
DAI: …, you mean Istanbul?
Judge: No, I mean Constantinople, the seat of Orthodox Christianity, the home of the great and beautiful Byzantine Empire. Sacked, burned and enslaved by muslims and forcibly converted to ‘Istanbul’. The beautiful cathedral of the Hagia Sophia, defaced, and turned into a mosque.
DAI: Yes, of course, what’s your point.
Judge: My point is that Islam has spread by the sword from the beginning of its existence. Muhammad returned to Mecca with an army. The whole of the Islamic world is steeped in the blood of these conquests, so it’s a little late in the game to be claiming that conquest is an illegitimate means of occupation.
DAI: But that is different.
Judge: Uh-huh, and why is that?
DAI: Because Allah has willed it through his prophet Mohammad.
Judge: Uh-huh. You have to understand son, we don’t believe your little book, so you can’t use it as a claim of justification. If your conquests are legitimate, than you have to tell my why other’s conquests aren’t.
DAI: Allah has willed it.
Judge: Well than Allah can will Jerusalem back to you. Absent that, I’ll order than when Constantinople has been restored to its rightful place as the home of Eastern Christendom and Mecca has been freed from Islamic oppression, than I will order Jerusalem back to you. Next Case.
Drooling Obama Worshippers: Hi Judge, we’d like to imprison George Bush and throw a party for President Obama because he just outlawed torture and closed Guantanamo.
Judge: Uh-huh. We like to do one thing at a time here, so how about we start with the New President’s party.
DOW: Yeah, we’d like to throw him a party because he stopped torture and he’s closing that travesty to human rights in Cuba.
Judge: You mean Castro, he’s toppled Castro?
DOW: No Judge. You’re silly. We mean Guantanamo, the evil US prison for poor oppressed muslims.
Judge: Uh-huh. So it’s closed then?
DOW: Well, not yet, it’s very complicated. But he’s said he’s going to and he’s studying it now.
Judge: How about we revisit that when it’s done? We’ve been studying alternative energy for about forty years now and still get most of our power from fossil fuels..
DOW: Obama’s working on that too!
Judge: Yes, isn’t that special. What I was trying to say before you interrupted me was that we’ve been working on that problem for a long time and still don’t have any good answers. Do you know why?
DOW: Evil oil companies have kept the technologies from being brought to market.
Judge: Uh, no. How old are you anyway?
Judge: A little old to be believing in fairy-tales aren’t you?
Judge: Anyway, the reason the alternative energy thing hasn’t been solved is because it’s a hard problem. And I’m thinking Guantanamo might be a hard problem too. Taking up arms against people in Afghanistan is not a violation of any US law that I’m aware of (although doing so without a uniform and outside of any recognized chain of command is a violation of the Geneva Conventions and other laws of war). And released, many of these men have returned to the battlefield, either in Afghanistan/Pakistan or in Iraq.
How about we revisit this issue when the President has actually done it instead of just talked about it?
DOW: But that’s not fair! We want to throw a party now!
Judge: Didn’t you just have a party?
DOW: Yes, but.. Hey, we could still throw a party because He ended torture.
Judge: Around the world?
DOW: No silly, he stopped our American baby-kille… oops, I mean our proud American men and women in the armed forces and CIA from torturing, which I’m sure they didn’t want to do anyway, they were just being controlled by the evil Dr. Cheney.
Judge: You mean former Vice-President Cheney?
DOW: Yes, he was evil and should be proscuted for torturing people too.
Judge: Evil? Really?
DOW: uh-huh. He shot his friend and he once curdled milk just by looking at it.
Judge: And Obama’s new policy is better how?
DOW: He’s outlawed torture and stopped any harsh treatment of prisoners.
Judge: Any? All the time?
DOW: Well he has allowed for some harsh treatment in some cases where really bad guys have been caught.
Judge: And this differs from the Bush administration how?
DOW: He was torturing everybody, all the time! He was teh 3V1l!
Judge: Please, no leet-speak in my courtroom.
Judge: Obama’s new policy is no different from Bush’s old policy. Well, it’s slightly different. He will allow the use of harsh treatment on high-value detainees with important information in the war on terror. Bush allowed the same, and the CIA, under Bush’s administration, waterboarded..
Judge: Oh, pipe down. ..waterboarded all of 5 people. All very high-value detainees with important information in the war on terror. Obama’s policy is no different than Bush’s excepting maybe that Bush allowed ink to be spread on some lower level guys. Ink is not a human rights violation.
DOW: But they tricked them! They thought it was blood! Menstrual Blood!
Judge: These men sawed the heads off of people, they are not afraid of a little blood. And trickery is also not a human rights violation.
DOW: But Bush WARTERBOARDED!
Judge: Yes, and Obama has said he will too if it’s needed.
DOW: But, Obama will use this power wisely, unlike Bush.
Judge: Now you’re being silly. Look, President Obama just restated Bush’s policies that were already in place. So, my ruling is as follows: No, you cannot arrest Bush. And you cannot throw Obama a party for stopping torture, since by any definition, he hasn’t done that. If Bush was “torturing”, than Obama will be too, and if Bush wasn’t, than there was nothing to stop. You also cannot throw a party for Obama for closing Gitmo because he hasn’t done that either, although we can revisit that next year (and the year after that most likely).
However, you can throw a party for President Obama when he goes through his first term without a terrorist attack on US soil. That is, if you have already thrown such a party for Bush.
The court it closed.
Bailiff: All rise. You heard the Judge people, everybody out!